5. Fruit Brute
Fruit-flavored cereal with marshmallow bits? Sounds delicious to me.
The scariest part of this breakfast cereal is that the mascot kind of looks like the Cookie Crisp wolf. As the great philosopher Zeno once said, “copyright infringement, it’ll get ya.”
General Mills could up the spook-factor a couple notches by changing up the fruit flavors they include. Nothing will induce a shudder quite as well as taking a bite of honeydew/tomato/mulberry cereal with lime-flavored marshmallows.
4. Boo Berry
This cereal was way scarier before they put Gasper, the sexually deviant ghost on the box. The old mascot looks like his wife of 25 years just left him for his boss at the radio station. Yeesh.
Boo Berry is an artificially sweetened reminder that we will all die and continue to roam the earth in search of a hat that doesn’t make us look like a bit character in a Wes Anderson movie.
3. Count Chocula
Now we’re really getting into the good stuff. A bowl of Count Chocula is like reading the Wikipedia summary of Lovecraft Country: it won’t keep you up at night, but it’ll rid you of the desire to ever experience it again.
Fun fact: Terry Dodson drew for Count Chocula in 2014, making him an official DC Comics character. Imagine trying to sell a gram in Gotham, only to get curb stomped by a vampire peddling a Cocoa Puffs rip-off.
2. Franken Berry
Remember the first time you ever ate beets and the next day you ran screaming into your grandmother’s living room because you thought you’d just bled out into the toilet bowl?
In the ’70s, Franken Berry had a similar effect, except it turned your feces pink. Wild, right?
Beyond it’s horrifying stool-staining nature, Franken Berry is probably the most credible threat to you at the breakfast table. Everyone knows a frankenmonster’s only weakness is fire, and I guaran-goddamn-tee you’re not prepared to torch your kitchen at 7:25 in the morning.
This failed Toby Jones clone will scare that fuschia-colored shit right out of you.
1. Uncle Sam Toasted Whole Wheat Berry Flakes & Flaxseed Cereal
A bleeding illustration of the Capitalists’ incessant mission to equate commercial products with patriotism and American nationalism, Uncle Sam Toasted Whole Wheat Berry Flakes & Flaxseed Cereal reaps the benefits of global climate change exacerbated by money-hungry corporations as flax-friendly farming zones extend further toward the poles.
Despite claiming on the box that this is a heart healthy cereal, the 0.5 grams of saturated fat per 3/4 cup serving exceeds that of both Froot Loops and Lucky Charms, contributing carelessly to an obesity epidemic legislators and health professionals are working tirelessly to ameliorate.
Nothing spookier than irresponsibility from institutions of power.