6 PROJECT POWER Abilities That Would Actually Suck

Project Power promotional image, featuring Jamie Foxx, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Dominique Fishback, with the Geek Guys photoshopped in the background If we somehow landed in the Project Power universe, popping the super pill would probably have some sub-optimal results.

Project Power made its debut on Netflix this week and immediately curried favor for its star-studded cast, visual effects, and non-stop action.

The central conceit of the film revolves around a pill that grants its subject super powers for five minutes. The powers are unique to each individual, and as with most super powers, the subject has no influence over what abilities they gain.

As a couple of unlucky fellas, the Geek Guys sat down and thought up the six abilities we’d probably get stuck with.

Being Machine Gun Kelly

We don’t mean just looking like MGK. For five minutes, you become Colson Baker.

It would seem cool at first. A net worth of $10 million. The love and affection of Megan Fox. A collab with Camila Cabello. A track record of praise from the state of Ohio.

But then you also have to deal with the genuinely awful hair, a personality that revolves around smoking pot and the reality of getting very publicly cooked by Eminem.

I’d rather be on fire, to be honest.

The Ability To Communicate With Mollusks

No one in the history of ever has looked at a slug and thought, “Gee, if only I could ask them what they’re thinking.”

I guess being able to have a chat with an octopus would be kind of cool, but

  1. I can’t swim that well, and
  2. if Finding Dory is any indicator, they’re grouchy bastards.

Mussels have been around a really long time, too, so they probably have the same shitty opinions as the guy that lives next door to your grandmother and yells at the neighborhood kids on their bikes.

Even if you could talk to mollusks, what would you even use that information for? The only person who’d be impressed by your ability to know a snail’s favorite color is your 5-year-old niece and even she doesn’t believe you.

A Blazing Fast Metabolism

Imagine being able to hork down hamburger after hamburger with nary a thought to your waistline. It’s like being 19 all over again.

Unfortunately, that lightning-quick metabolism is going to piss away that power faster than you can say, “Mr. Mussels, please stop saying that, this isn’t Facebook.”

And then you’re right back to standing in the grocery store, debating getting the Reduced Fat Cheez-Its because you’re starting to sweat when you get up from the couch.

Tommy Wiseau’s Acting Ability

Do you need to tell your girlfriend a convincing lie about how much that new stack of comics on your bed cost so she doesn’t get mad at you for wasting money on your silly little hobbies instead of investing in your future together?

Too bad.

Tommy Wiseau can’t sell a line to save his life, so neither can you after you pop your power pill. That means you’re going to end up broken and alone with nothing but the tear-soaked pages of your favorite Batman run to keep you company.

Encyclopedic Knowledge of Stephen King’s Sex Scenes

He’s the King of Horror, not the King of Horny, and nothing makes that more apparent than American literary icon Stephen King’s sex scenes.

He can conjure up demonic clowns, book your imagination a room at a haunted hotel, or lift your spirit with a story about a man’s indomitable will, but it’s a rare thing to see King deliver a sexual encounter that doesn’t leave you queasy or concerned.

And with one pill, you could know everything there is to know about every. single. one. of his forays into the steamier side of fiction. That means you’re word perfect on all the bizarre wet dreams, every unsettling handjob, and the infamous sex scene in It (you know the one).

Being Able to Walk Through a Door, But Only When It’s Unlocked

You take the pill. You’re leaning against a door, waiting for it to kick in. Suddenly, you’re through the door.

Pretty cool, right? WRONG.

Your new “superpower” only works when the door you’re trying to go through is unlocked. No phasing through walls for you, you disappointing sack of meat. You’re only gaining access to places you were already invited to, and your friends are following right behind you with their really cool powers in tow.