5 Pokemon Whose Asses I Could Totally Kick

The Pokémon universe is rife with well-designed creatures. The pure creativity that goes into concocting the look and Pokédex entries for hundreds and hundreds of Pokémon is staggering to consider. But all that creativity doesn’t preclude them from getting their neon-colored asses handed to them in a one-Steve whirlwind of fisticuffery.

5. Smeargle

Is that a skin beret? Does Arceus hate you?

Smeargle is the art hipster of the Pokémon world. You know, the kind of guy who invites you for “Chards and Chats” at the machine-shop-turned-gallery in downtown Duluth and spends the entire time talking about how he wouldn’t have used a fan brush to stipple chartreuse across periwinkle like that.

Oh, you like Lichtenstein? How ‘bout you Lichtenmein knuckles, you hack.

If I can’t beat up this boho chump, what did I buy all this American toxic masculinity for?

4. Nuzleaf

If all else fails, Nuzleaf is one of like three pokemon with nipples. I’ll purple a nurple, IDGAF

Nuzleaf looks like a toughie. He’s light on his feet, he’s already in fighting stance and he kinda looks like the lovechild of a luchador and an acorn. But listen:

“Nuzleaf live in densely overgrown forest. They occasionally venture out of the forest to startle people. This Pokemon dislikes having its long nose pinched.”

Professor Treeboy already gave me the secret to giving Nuzleaf a one-way ticket to Clobberedville. Pinch the nose, sweep the leg. Child’s play.

3. Lucario

Lucario kinda looks like the girl that beat me up in 9th grade, tbh

I’m kidding. A Lucario could probably whip the shit out of me. I bet I could punt a Riolu into next week though, that punk ass buster.

2. Scraggy

They put this in a children’s cartoon. Yeesh.

Look, this one’s just simple math. I’m 6’1”, 215 pounds and have had four White Claws before 10 a.m. This two-foot-tall foreskin doesn’t have shit on my reach. Plus, I learned how to give an atomic wedgie from not one, but two older brothers. If I can’t use Scraggy’s droopy butt skin as a weapon, I’ve failed my predecessors.

1. Blaziken

Okay, admittedly, I’m not that confident about this one. Blaziken definitely has a few inches on me and shoots fire out of its wrists or some shit. But all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me, and you can never count that out. Get tor-CHUCKED, hooligan.

Blaziken has a flow like Trevor Lawrence, so I’ll take my combat tips from the Ohio State DEs

Honorable Mentions:

Cranidos: Your primary attack is a headbutt? HA! I have two older brothers. I’ve been getted headbot my whole life and I’m am good look at me now. Yep.

Bronzor: I’ve been playing frisbee golf since 2010, baybee. I’ll tomahawk that sucker right into the most thorn-riddled thicket this side of Pallet Town without even TRYING.

Smoochum: It’s 2020. I’m just gonna call HR.